Dexter
by adnama301
Summary: The story is about what life is like for Dexter now that he has left everyone.


Dexter: Where am I Now?

5/26

Harrison would be eight years old today… I really wish that I could tell him happy birthday and that I love him. I did not think it would be this hard to stay away from him. I wonder if he hates me, hell, I wonder if he even remembers who I am. Does Hannah talk to him about me? Or does she avoid the topic of me like a plague? I wonder if SHE thinks about me. I know I think about her, I miss her smell, she smelled of roses, I miss seeing her with Harrison.

It gets a little weird for me to start having emotions. Some days I do and some days I don't. I really appreciate the days I don't have emotion because when I do have emotion it becomes overwhelming and I do not know what to do with myself. when I start dwelling on the fact that I will never see anyone that I held close ever again, the only thing I think will help is to do one of my "nightly activities" but not at night I just want to let it out. I can actually pick a couple I would want to kill. There is this guy named Neil, and he is just an asshole, he is always trying to get under my skin and that just makes me want to get into his.

5/27

In order for me to stay keeping to myself I have to continue to write. It actually helped me deal with yesterday. This writing also keeps me thinking about everything that I had. Today when I was working I overheard Neil talking to Mort about how his sister is getting married. I seriously cannot get out of my emotions. Overhearing Neil had me thinking about Deb and how she and Quinn were going to get back together. Some days I dream about the day I dumped her still body into the ocean, but right before I am about to dump her I hear the bag that is covering her body move and I freeze to make sure I am not going delusional and when the bag moves again I rip it open, and there she is eyes open and staring at me like I am her savior. I start to rip the bags open and she stops me and mouths thank you and then closes her eyes. I scream her name and she is gone again, and that's when I wake up. Even though I knew Quinn would have been there for her I just know that I did the right thing no matter how much it hurt me. I still feel pretty guilty for what happened. I wish I can go back in time and kill that bastard myself. I probably should feel guilty for just getting rid of Deb like that without telling Quinn I think he probably went a little crazy about how her body disappeared like that, I wonder if he knows that I had something to do with it.

5/30/15

I have decided that I am going to feed into my dark side. Will it be weird to say I feel giddy inside? I am excited to get that rush again, and see that look in their eye right before I stab them in their chest. I'm going to start a new slide show, how exciting. I know I said I wanted to kill Neil, but I decided I am going to stick to the rules so I am going to take a teeny tiny trip to the police station and see if I can find something. I have to find someone because I feel like my dark side is going to take over me completely and actually kill Neil, but where would the thrill be in that? I know where to find him if I wanted to, there will be no hunt, no figuring out a plan to bait him in I know him to well already. One of my favorite parts of the kill was the hunt, the prey not knowing what they had coming towards them. I cannot wait to set the place up. I found nothing, I do not have the same connections as I did before so this makes the search a little tougher. Maybe I will break the rules this time just to let off some steam..

6/8/15

To find my next victim I went to a hole in the wall bar. When I walked in there was the smell of spilled beer and body odor, how welcoming, the pain on the ceiling had beige water stains, and the ceiling fans looked like they were about to fall. I go up to the bartender and order a pint of Heineken. As I am drinking my beer I look around the bar to see if there is anyone that looks worthy to be introduced to my dark side. As I am looking around all I see is an old man with a long white beard trying to keep from falling in a corner while he is screaming at a picture of a dog in a Christmas hat, he tells the dog to stop working for Santa Claus, because Santa already has enough helpers. I automatically leave him alone. I see two other guys playing pool, one of the guys had tattoos all over his face but was wearing a leather vest over a white t-shirt that said "suck it", the other guy just looked like a big motorcycle rider with tattoos on his knuckles, bushy eyebrows, and a big mustache that was going gray they looked interesting, so I clumsily stumble up to them and place a bet telling them that I can beat them in pool using one arm (obviously I want to lose). They look at me for two seconds to make sure I was serious, after they discussed they had asked me how much and I said one hundred dollars, they eagerly take me up on the bet. They were so thrilled that they did not even ask me to front the money. The game did not go as bad as I thought it was, I surprisingly made a couple shots, when the game was finally over they asked for them money, I did not have the complete one hundred dollars, I only had twenty, so when I told them they got super angry and started to threaten me. When they were trying to corner me I let a little of my dark side come out and take over, when he did he kept pleading and acting scared trying to make excuses for why he did he kept leading the two big burly men right where he wants them. The guy with the tattoos on his face is now towering over me and I look straight into his eyes and as I do I can tell that he has a dark side to him, so I provoke him to the point where he swings at me. Oh, I have not felt that rush on a long time, I can feel my dark passenger slowly creeping out from under me and he is telling me to do what I do best. As I am about to let my dark passenger come out I remember why I am here, why I am by myself. As I am recalling all of this information I choose to stop and just go back home. i knock the two guys out and leave the bar.

6/10/15

It took a while for me to get my dark passenger under control after that night at the bar. To help blow off some steam I went hunting, I felt so dumb to go hunting, me, the Bay Harbor Butcher killing animals! Hunting reminds me of when I first realized I had a dark passenger but did not want anyone to know. My father used to take me hunting, when I went hunting with him I felt a little less dark, I felt like I was actually doing the hunting for sport, and not some type of satisfaction of being in control in a living creatures life or death. When I go hunting I like to trap the prey and the kill it. When I trap the animal it reminds me of how I capture my human prey. Finding a place to set up the trap reminds me of when I find the perfect spot to kill the person. when the animal falls into the trap it reminds me of when I figure out how to find the person and actually capture the person and take them to the plastic covered room. And finally, when I kill the animal reminds me of when I kill the person. One of the many things I miss when it comes to killing those bastards is when they wake up wrapped in plastic and I have pictures of their victims displayed in front of them, I liked to watch how they looked at their work, and when they would look at their work it reminds me of myself when I look at them wrapped perfectly in plastic. The smell of fresh plastic was like home.

I really wanted to kill somebody the other day, hell, I want to kill someone every day, but it felt wrong to break the code, I had no valid reason to kill anyone except for the fact that my dark passenger needs to satisfy his desires. Besides, this town is too small, if anyone were to get kidnapped and killed it will come to shore way faster compared to Miami. In this town the sheriff and his staff are bored so they will put all that they have in order to find out who killed someone that had no importance to the world. In all honesty, if there are molesters and rapists and murderers on the loose, they are doing a good job not getting caught because the only type of people that get put in jail around here are drunks for indecent exposure or public urination or stupid high school students for getting into fights at school. There is no need to kill them. I guess I just have to control this dark passenger once again, it is getting tough. I do not think that me hunting will help control him anymore.

6/22/15

Today is a good day, I was watching the news during one of my breaks and there is a murderer on the loose and the police think he is somewhere in the area. The sketch they have of him is burned into my brain. I am going to find him, he is not too far from my town so I think I know where to start looking just a few hours out of town. I think I am excited, I have not felt like this in a while, in fact the last time I felt like this was when i was back in Miami and Deb got promoted. I have a pretty good idea on where to look, so wish me luck.

8/15/15

I know its been awhile since I have journaled but that is only because I have been preoccupied with this murderer. I think I found him and he was closer than I expected. Because I think I found him I had to start looking for a perfect place to complete the deed. I found this old abandoned cabin a couple hours away from here and I have passed the cabin several times on different days and times, so I do not have to worry about anyone finding me.

I think I found him working at a very unknown motel as a janitor that is not to far from this cabin so this motel must get next to no business. I honestly do not even know how this motel is still alive and running.

I went to the police station to see if they had any type of information about the murderer's victims, and they did not have much except for the names. With me only having names I guess I will not be able to show him his victims, but that is ok, I just want to kill him. I want to see that look in his eyes right when he is about to die.

8/16/15

I have to set up the kill room today. I spotted him leaving work around ten o'clock the other night, that just makes it easier for me. when I went inside the building it was pretty bare so it made it easier to get the room together and with me being a lumberjack I am now in a pretty good shape so covering the room in plastic was not so hard. I also had to go rent a boat to go dump the body there is a dock about thirty minutes away from the kill room so I should be good. because I live in the middle of nowhere there are only cameras by the register so I really do not have to worry about cameras and it is going to be really late no one will be out I scoped the docks last night.

In order for me to capture the guy I have to put him to sleep and since I do not have my tranquilizers I actually have to try and do the sleep hold or hit him with a blunt object. I really hope it will not take that much effort because I do not want to waste energy on trying to knock him out, I have other plans for him.

6/18/15

Today is the day I let my dark passenger take over. I really think that this kill will help put him at ease I do not want to go through all of this trouble just to help satisfy my dark passenger.

I must say I have been pretty cheerful because of todays events.

6/19/15

It was different. It did not have the effect I thought it would. I mean I DID EVERYTHING THE SAME! Why does it feel different.

I should have known that it felt different the moment I had him strapped to the table, I ignored it because I just thought I was a little rusty. I kept along with my routine with the asking of the questions and making him confess what he has done and then when I stabbed him in the chest.. Nothing. I felt no difference my dark passenger still felt unsatisfied. I have been thinking about it all day and I still cannot figure out what this feeling is and why I cannot seem to shake this off.

6/20/15

Still no understanding of why I cannot shake this feeling.

6/25/15

So I have been thinking non stop on why I still feel so empty. When I look back I started feeling this urge when I started this dumb ass journal. Journaling got me all into my feelings and I am not used to that I do not know how to cope with this. I am just not going to journal and see if anything changes.

8/30/15

Ugh! Nothing has changed and I think I know why. I think I actually need to see my son and the woman I left him with whom I love. I cannot do that, I vowed to myself that I will exclude myself from the world. Me killing that man was a moment of weakness, I realize that now. I was good. I cannot understand what changed my feelings. It realistically is not me journaling, it could have been me actually accepting the fact that I actually do care for them and I truly am capable of love. I know where she is supposed to be with Harrison. Maybe I can go check on them without them knowing. I can see how big Harrison has gotten. I could see sweet, beautiful Hannah. Yeah, I can go check on them that should get rid of this extremely uncomfortable, unsatisfied, empty feeling. I would like to know that they are doing well. I just have to save some money.

10/15/15

I purchased my ticket to Argentina, I have an idea of where I thought Hannah and Harrison would be staying. I am really nervous, I am almost one hundred percent sure that Harrison will not recognize me. I do not need him to recognize me I just need to know that he is happy and doing well. I will be leaving in a week. I really hopes this works because if it does not work I am probably just going to make the emptiness feel even worse by seeing them. We will soon find out.

10/22/15

I am in Argentina, I went to this little coffee shop that Hannah used to always talk about and I am staying at this little hotel near the shop.I really hope she comes by while I am here. I mean when we used to talk about moving to Argentina , she would always talk about this coffee shop and talk about how she would come by every morning and have a relaxing start to her day. She would talk about how I would drink a lemon water while she has an espresso and Harrison with his chocolate milk. I do not know if she stuck with this since I ended up not going along with her, but hopefully she is going to be there.

10/26/15

It has been four days that I have been here and there has been no sign of them. I did do some searching but I did not find them. I am not giving up hope. There are still places that I can search for her and Harrison. I am still hoping but I still feel the emptiness getting deeper since I have not found them. I will keep searching as long as I am here. I really need to find them because I need to see if this can fill my emptiness, I cannot stand this feeling and what makes it worse is that me killing someone was not the solution to this emptiness


End file.
